July 17th, 2020

Balancing your needs with others

Assertiveness is about learning what is fair and balancing your needs with others

Assertiveness is about the right to be treated with equal respect.  It's about learning what is fair and balancing your own rights, wants and needs with those of others. 

Here are some techniques to help you practice assertiveness: 

• Trust your gut - being assertive is about developing the habit of noticing your feelings and responses
• Don't explain or apologise excessively when refusing a request or saying no
• Consider what it says about the other person if they start bullying you or persuading you to change your mind
• Buy yourself some time and don't respond immediately with a knee-jerk yes
• Be aware of your body language.  Ensure that you are not smiling or using a conciliatory tone of voice which could dilute your assertive words and messages

Find your inner toddler.  Think about children and how easily they say no.  They're in touch with their needs and feelings, moment by moment.  We were all toddlers once.  We were all born assertive.  

If you have spent a lot of time putting other people's needs before your own, you may have lost sight of what really matters to you.  You may find yourself answering 'I don't mind' or 'it doesn't matter to me' when you are trying to make decisions at work or at home.  You can't ask for what you want if you don't really know what that is.  To discover what you need, get in touch with your inner toddler and ask yourself: 

• What do I need to feel happy and fulfilled? 
• What would I love to do?
• How do I feel right now - physically and emotionally? 
• Complete this sentence: I want....
• Complete this sentence: I don't want....

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